Running On Half-Tank
(Xander on a run to the playground at Sharon Woods today. First time I've seen him leave me behind. Though he did look back every ten steps to make sure I was still following him.)
Life here is okay. Elections are almost over, but sweeps then begin. Hooray.
I'm putting in an application for seasonal work over at Micro Center. I'm kinda hoping to get a warehouse job because, well, I hate the public. Everyone knows this. But it'd be some extra cash that I can certainly use, and I get discounts. Which means batteries, memory cards and all the other things that have a huge markup, I can get a bit above cost.
Squeaky and I ... I tell you, it's the strangest thing. If you were to walk into our house a year ago, then again tonight, odds are good you wouldn't be able to tell a difference. We still talk. We still laugh. We still help each other. We just don't touch. I do anyway, sometimes, usually just a hand on her back as she walks by. Occasionally, she reciprocates. Usually, no response.
The therapist and I had a long conversation where I realized a few things and considered bringing them up to Squeaky. Then I decided against it because it wouldn't make any difference. Or maybe it would. Or maybe I don't want it to. My feelings are no more sorted now than they were two months ago. Probably worse now, in fact.
I war between two factions in my head. One wants me to try to get her back because I still love her. The other part doesn't because of how much she hurt me. I probably change positions on the issue six times a day, and yes, I do think about it that much most days.
In the meantime, I do ... nothing. The safe move. I'm an expert on playing it safe.
In other news, my parents have moved back to Ohio from Virginia. So now, Xander's only about an hour away from a willing baby sitter. Woot!
LEAF was many of the things I needed. An escape, a return to familiar ground, hanging with old friends and new. Plus some great music and a pretty good crush on one band's lead singer.
I wondered if I'd be nostalgic for my old job when I visited my former station before LEAF. The answer was a resounding "No". I miss some of the people, definitely, but that newsroom's a tomb compared to my bright, airy, sun-filled newsroom here. And I didn't realize how much I need that before.
As for Greenville itself, not even a pang of remorse over leaving. I've had no regrets about the move, and now I think I can close that chapter completely.
I'm still fighting that impulse to just not be a friend. Two more people from my past have e-mailed me this week to say hi, and I find I just don't want to respond. Which is silly. My therapist doesn't have any answers for that yet.
I don't know that I need the answer now. I'd just like to have the question repeated so I can understand it.
Zippy 9:01 PM