It's bad enough to not know who you are. It's equally bad to not know who you want to be.
Combine the two, and you start seriously considering upping your meds.
I'm trying very hard not to accept this, but my mind keeps coming back to it: I feel dead inside.
Everywhere I turn, I feel lost. I think about taking pictures, but don't want to. I'm out shooting weddings and events, and I'm finding I hate doing it.
I see books and think "I should read that". And then I don't.
I should play with Xander more. But I don't.
I desperately crave Squeaky's love and affection, but I don't know how to get it when I don't feel any love for myself.
I spend night after night sitting in this chair, surfing most of the same Web sites every night, until it's finally time to go to bed.
I should go for walks when Xander's in bed. I said I would do it earlier this year. I did it for about a week.
I go grocery shopping and bring no meals home. Nothing sounds good.
I go to bed and my mind won't stop talking to itself, so I stay awake for up to an hour, wishing it would just shut up.
I mentioned all this to my doctor this week, who pointed out that I have three options:
1. Up the dose on my current anti-depressant: Considering that this dose has pretty much eliminated my sex drive (and don't get me started on how THAT makes me feel), I'd just as soon not. 2. Add another medicine. I already dislike taking one pill, so two won't sound all that great. And what wonderful side effects do I get to add then? 3. Dump my current drug and try something new: See, I have issues with the whole trial-and-error thing when it comes to my mental state (yes, I know it's the only way to know what works and what doesn't).
Or, I can just keep on keepin' on, as it were. Which is where I am now. Fun!
But what if these drugs are what's keeping me from being happy, feeling alive? Do I take the chance that I can control the dark side of my soul without them? If it were just me, maybe I would. But it's not just me.
"Do what makes you happy," they say.
I thought I was. But if I'm not, what do I do then? Zippy 8:37 PM
I find comfort in the fact that same "lost blog" crap that happened to me here happened to Postsecret on Sunday.
But then, he didn't have archives to lose like I did.
Spent the afternoon killing flies. Seriously, the hell? Are they those damn T-1000 liquid metal flies that go through screens? I closed one window and trapped FIVE of the damn things, then hunted down five more (with help from "Here it is, but I'm not going to kill it" cat and "Gimme paddle" (flyswatter) Xander).
Oh well. Needed to start the AC again anyway, as it's going back up to the mid-80s. Saturday, it didn't hit 70. THAT was nice. I want that back soon, please.
Unrelated to any of that, I'm sitting here at midnight, looking at a 4:45am wakeup, and I'm not tired. I've laying in bed for more than an hour, and I simply can'tget my body to go to sleep. I get close, but not there.
Oh well. I have to see the doc this month for refills anyway. Let's add another pill! Zippy 11:58 PM